DivaOfDarkness: Forever Entwined In Darkness.

January 18, 2008

Is this what is considered living?

Wow is this what is considered living? $67.09 in the bank and writing reviews for $6.00 a piece as often as they allow you to to buy diapers, wipes, and baby food for my Son? If it wasn't for my Mother-in-law we would starve to death! Since August we've been trying our hardest to get on cash assistance!!!! 6 months? 6 fucking months!!!! What the fuck is wrong with these fucking people?

WE MAY END UP HOMELESS!!!!! Because my Mother-in-law is in so much fucking debt that it's not even funny!!! Energy assistance turned her down!!! What the fuck is wrong with this country?! The salvation army refuses to give us food!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM??? Is this what is considered living!?!????

My son will be turning one in March... *crys*... and I can't even afford to buy him a present and make him cupcakes.... that's all I wanted to fucking do... I can't find a job for the life of me... I'm so fucking afraid my son is going to be taken away from me because I am failing so much as a fucking mother... I'm failing so much to get help...

I don't know what to do or where to turn... my husband is in the middle of trying to get SSI... and I can't stop thinking how worthless and useless I am... and how maybe my family would be better off without me... I try not to think that way, but how can I keep my head up when I may be homeless within a few months and I don't want to lose my baby!!!

I don't know what to do, where to turn, we are so screwed... we have maybe enough money for one more month of diapers, wipes and baby food after this month... and thats it....

I hate my life at the moment.

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December 25, 2007

Fuck Christmas!

As if I need another reason to hate christmas, even though I do not celebrate it, my in laws do, and I'm trying to make the best of a their holiday and of course, be respectful to their celebrations and celebrate it with them. Trying being the operative word, because today has already gone to shit!

First of all, I'm "in charge" of the deserts. I tried my best to make the cheesecake, which doesn't look like it has enough filling in it at all! Next, the cherry pie, well, plenty of filling, but the top crust didn't turn out and I had to throw it away, and I gave up on it. Third, the Lemon Meringue, turned out fine I guess, and I don't know how to make the meringue part, therefore, my Mother-in-law is going to make it. And lastly, the Pumpkin Pie, well, we're just not going to have it because today is shit!

Why else is today shit? My husband and I have been fighting all day, I'm not even sure why. My brother-in-law got angry with his wife this morning and didn't because she didn't apologize, he decided that when he got here, because he was mad, he was going to crash into one of his parked trucks in our drive way, ask me how that is logical? Not to mention his step daughter, who is 16 was also in the truck during his fit of rage!

My brother-in-law also decided to be a moron and lift my big candle that was downstairs up by the candle part (not thinking that of course the glass candle plate could fall off, since it's only held on there by WAX!!!), logically you would think that the glass would fall and break, right? Well that's exactally what happened. His attitude about it? "Oh well"! Nice, huh? That glass plate for the candle cost me about $6, which is a lot for something that's just going to have wax on it. But does he care? Does anyone give a fuck? Of course not!

Welcome to a crazy fucking house I live in with psychotic fucking people!!! I mean I'm not 100% sane myself, but I'm a hell of a lot more sane then these fucking people I live with and have to deal with on a day to day basis... minus my Mother-in-law, who is not so crazy, but today she's having just about as bad of a day as I am... today truly sucks! Especially for a so called "holiday"... and people wonder why I don't want to celebrate Christmas... here's many great reasons... not to mention... it's a Christian holiday!!! Which people fail to realize.

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December 24, 2007

YouTube Pisses Me Off

As you can tell from the subject, yes I've been sucked into the dark hole in which has been named YouTube, and I'm pissed off at them! YouTube has been pissing me off lately by suspending perfectly good YouTubers that I love to watch for pretty much no other reason but to silence people who promote free speech.

Besides all that bullshit they've been pulling, I tried uploading a video earlier, in the same format all the videos I upload are in (.WMV) and it keeps saying "failure to convert" or some shit like that. I have no idea what's wrong with YouTube at the moment, but it's simply pissing me off, and I can't stand it right now, so for the time being, I've put a hold on uploading the video I spent 2 hours or so making...

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October 4, 2007

Boredom Kills Braincells

Wow, am I ever bored (I wonder if it kills braincells?)! I can't remember the last time I was this bored, when blogging even seems like a chore, and not worth my time, but what else have I to do? And I do have a bit to catch up on from the last few days. And a quick warning, the following is random jumbled nonesense...

The other day I was going to attempt to make a vlog, however, my mother-in-laws webcam software doesn't have video capture (don't ask me why, would seem like common sense to me, but whatever), so I was looking for video capture programs, and I ran accross a problem, after installing and uninstalling so many, somewhere in the process, the mic stopped working, so by the time I went to YouTube just to record it that way, after recording a 5 minute video, I find out there's no sound... so... I deleted it... and I still haven't gotten the microphone to work, even though I've tried everything!

And today, while searching for computer parts that was in a cabinet, in a big blue storage container, a full can of paint fell on my middle toe. Thankfully, it's not broken! Under the nail near the bottom, it's purple... and half of the toe is black and blue, and hours later, it is still throbbing! I still haven't gotten the computer parts out, at the moment I could care less about what I was doing, my toe hurts too much, lol.

*Sigh* Michael hasen't brought up the laundry for the past week from the dryer, and it is definately starting to piss me off! We have $3.02 in the bank! And we're just now close (after a month or so of waiting on my husband) to getting cash assistance, but I'm afraid that will not be even close to enough to buy diapers and food (from the information I'm getting from other people).

And I haven't been able to take pictures of my baby because I can't find our battery charger for the rechargeable batteries (because somebody refuses to help me clean and I refuse to clean while he sits on his ass playing video games or is on the computer!)... and he's doing this really cute thing... he gets onto his hands and knees and rocks back and foruth... lol....

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June 30, 2007

What the FUCK?

A few days ago my Mom went off on me about my sexuality, because I, in her mind, "am advertising that I'm bisexual on my Myspace page", and through her page, her family can see my page and they are questioning her about my so called "advertising", she said that I need to "think about who I'm affecting".

What the FUCK Mom? Who I'm affecting by being ME? I asked her, "So it's ok for you to "advertise" your sexuality on your page? Because mine isn't the norm?" She said, "exactally". She also said, "I don't care if your husbands ok with it..." I didn't let her finish, I yelled, "Oh, so because I'm bisexual, I'm just automatically a whore?" Why does she care what her family has to say? Their all drug addicts, or were at one time.

My Father is in complete denial. "Your not really bisexual, and your really not an athiest". Excuse me? And they wonder why I never told them? My Sister, Amber is partially responsible for that. Now my whole family knows, and are reacting exactally how I knew they would.

I guess I'm just suppose to stop being me, and be a fucking sheep and not think for myself. I guess I should go back to Church and learn how to hate myself and make sure that I'm so beaten down that I want to kill myself all the time because "I'm not good enough" for their murdering God, start self-mutalating again, and get re-brainwashed... is that what they really want?

That's not even the best part... my Mom wants us out of her house sooner. So should I see this as being disowned? Kicked out because I'm bisexual?

FUCK 'EM! :@

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June 14, 2007

The BBQ...

Last weekend I went to the BBQ that I was invited to. I didn't really mind the fact that I didn't get any food because I was taking care of my Son, and wasn't feeling good (I didn't mind because I got Surf and Turf at home afterward). What I did mind was that I was left alone in the house with my Son and Amber's daughter while everyone else went outside and a.) smoked, or b.) stood outside with the smokers, and even that was acceptable. However, my sister offering me alcohol, and trying to pressure me into drinking was NOT acceptable!

From what I remember, here's how the conversation went:

Amber: Take a sip.
Me: No thanks.
Amber: Why?
Me: Because I'm not 21.
Amber: That didn't stop you before.
Me: Michael doesn't want me to drink until I'm 21.
Jennifer: I don't let men tell me what to do.
Amber: It's just a taste.
Me: What's in it?
Amber: It's long island ice tea.
Me: What's in it?
Amber: Vodka, rum...
Me: No thanks.
Amber: 13 different kinds of alcohol.
Me: No thanks.

Yes, when I was 17, I drank alcohol a couple times, and I regret doing so.

Jennifer's comment pissed me off! I don't let my husband control me! I RESPECT HIS WISHES!

And I'm a Mom, I need to set good examples for my Son, no matter how old he is, not to mention I'm the primary care giver right now.

Point being: I should be able to go to a gathering of people and not have 3-4 people trying to pressure me into drinking alcohol with them, especially FAMILY!!

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June 2, 2007

Tired of the bullshit...

What happens to some people when they get old that makes them have absolutely no respect for anybody elses property? My Mother is so disrespectful to other people property it's not even funny, she expects everyone to respect her property, but doesn't give a shit about anybody else's. She just, in her "I don't give a shit about anybody mood", destroyed my sister Amber's bible that our Father gave her many many years ago. My Mother threw it really hard on the floor breaking the binding "because it isn't where it belongs". She just pisses me off so much!

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May 31, 2007

T-Mobile Charges

My contract with T-mobile was up in March, and I did call them to cancel my services aswell, and guess what? They say I owe them $89, and if they think I'm paying it because someone didn't do their job, their crazy! I only have $75 for food, and diapers/wipes and toilet paper... and $83 for bills... I can't afford their mistakes! This is bullshit. A supervisor is suppose to call me in a couple hours... and I haven't slept all night, I'm so drained!

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May 18, 2007

Why is this happening to me?

How come every time Michael and I try to talk to about something important it turns into a fight? And why, when we fight does he always say "we're not going to work out", or "I want a divorce". He's been throwing around the "D" word every time things get even the slightest bit difficult... and he acts like everything is my fault.

What do we fight about? Everything! From me asking him to spend time with me, to me asking him to unload the dishwasher or switch over the laundry. Last night we fought over him exercising (he's suppose to be preparing for boot camp, and also to become E2 before he leaves), because "his back hurts". I don't doubt it does, apparently he has arthritis in his back from a car accident, but that doesn't make sense to me...

Last night I called him a moron, a wuss, and an asshole. He called me a "fucking bitch", says that I'm "mean and spiteful", and he always refuses to spend time with me, or talk to me! I'm depressed, partly because of him, and we never talk out our problems fully. Because he "doesn't feel like talking"... so we barely do, and if we do, we fight.

I was wrong for what I called him, and I've apologized, but not once has he apologised for calling me a "fucking bitch", or for saying that "we're not going to work out", and other things. He also believes that I make people think he's the most horrible person in the world, and that I'm a saint.

First off, I don't think I do. No, he's not perfect, neither am I. And just to set the record straight, I treat him worse a lot of the time then he treats me. I have anger issues, and I have been arrested in the past (before I was 18) for family member assault, and have I hit my husband? Yes, a few times, I have. Did he deserve it? No. Should I have? No. Mind you, each of the "family member assaults" I was arrested for were all self-defense.

So, I am not perfect, and at times, I'm even abusive (sometimes physically, often times, verbally), and no, I don't hide that from anybody. So how do I always make it sound like he's the worst husband in the world? Is he lazy? Yes. Has he ever hit me? No. Has he ever raised his hand to me? Yes. Does he scare me sometimes? Yes. When he breaks windows, and throws things, etc, yes. Is he a horrible husband? No. Am I the worst wife? Probably.

I'm also sick and tired of his humorous responses to matters that are serious and important to me. For example, earlier I asked him if he thought what he was doing on the computer (which was watching some cartoon videos) was more important then spending time with me? He said "Uh huh", jokingly. And stayed on the computer for at least an hour or two longer. Oh, and did he ever sit with me, or cuddle with me today? Yeah, when I was laying in bed, and he was going to sleep... ooo a whole five minutes! Not to mention, whenever he is the cause of my tears, he doesn't act as though he even gives a fuck.

Other then his actions, what else is making me as depressed as I am? From what I can figure... I'm depressed because I'm fat, and I eat more because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed for most of the time, except when my baby smiles at me, or coos because I'm kissing him, other then that, I'm usually on the verge of crying. I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible wife. I'm tired of only being defind as a mother and a wife. I feel like my son and husband would be better off without me. Oh, and I expressed some of these feelings to my husband earlier, and he tried, for a few moments to comfort me, then he told me "well if you truly feel like that, you need to see a doctor".

Oh yes! Because after the doctors at Pathways (a treatment center for drug addicts, and a mental hospital here) put me on Prozac when I was fourteen, which really fucked me up, because they refused to renew the prescription, and even though your suppose to ween people off the drug, they took me off of it in a snap (it also took away my period, and I bleed two months afterward)... and after the counselor tried convincing me that my Mother didn't love me, and not to mention them being the cause of me starting to self-mutilate... because after all that, I want to see a doctor about it, so they can label me "bi-polar" or whatever else they can come up with, and so they can put me on drugs, so I can feel like a zombie again? No thanks!

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May 15, 2007

Oops is probably not the right word...

The day after Michael originally left for boot camp, a day before he was suppose to be on his way to SC, I signed him up for an account with USAA, a bank for active duty military (with his permission, of course). Well we didn't open any accounts yet, however, we did apply for a credit card, and got one for 11.15% APR, No Annual Fee... anyway, the other day I tried getting into the account (because I forgot I changed the user name), and I locked us out.

Michael called them tonight to try and fix the mistake and what do we find out? Oh, he has to fax them a copy of his military ID, military number, SSN and state ID... but we don't have his military ID or number, yet! And the bank didn't say we needed it before creating an account. And according to the recruiters, he is active duty, and as far as we were told he was E2... when I opened his account... anyway, our account is now under investigation... hopefully they will accept the fact that his wife is a dumb ass as a good reason? Besides, shouldn't they of asked for his ID number during sign up? It really was an honest mistake! :(

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