What do we fight about? Everything! From me asking him to spend time with me, to me asking him to unload the dishwasher or switch over the laundry. Last night we fought over him exercising (he's suppose to be preparing for boot camp, and also to become E2 before he leaves), because "his back hurts". I don't doubt it does, apparently he has arthritis in his back from a car accident, but that doesn't make sense to me...
Last night I called him a moron, a wuss, and an asshole. He called me a "fucking bitch", says that I'm "mean and spiteful", and he always refuses to spend time with me, or talk to me! I'm depressed, partly because of him, and we never talk out our problems fully. Because he "doesn't feel like talking"... so we barely do, and if we do, we fight.
I was wrong for what I called him, and I've apologized, but not once has he apologised for calling me a "fucking bitch", or for saying that "we're not going to work out", and other things. He also believes that I make people think he's the most horrible person in the world, and that I'm a saint.
First off, I don't think I do. No, he's not perfect, neither am I. And just to set the record straight, I treat him worse a lot of the time then he treats me. I have anger issues, and I have been arrested in the past (before I was 18) for family member assault, and have I hit my husband? Yes, a few times, I have. Did he deserve it? No. Should I have? No. Mind you, each of the "family member assaults" I was arrested for were all self-defense.
So, I am not perfect, and at times, I'm even abusive (sometimes physically, often times, verbally), and no, I don't hide that from anybody. So how do I always make it sound like he's the worst husband in the world? Is he lazy? Yes. Has he ever hit me? No. Has he ever raised his hand to me? Yes. Does he scare me sometimes? Yes. When he breaks windows, and throws things, etc, yes. Is he a horrible husband? No. Am I the worst wife? Probably.
I'm also sick and tired of his humorous responses to matters that are serious and important to me. For example, earlier I asked him if he thought what he was doing on the computer (which was watching some cartoon videos) was more important then spending time with me? He said "Uh huh", jokingly. And stayed on the computer for at least an hour or two longer. Oh, and did he ever sit with me, or cuddle with me today? Yeah, when I was laying in bed, and he was going to sleep... ooo a whole five minutes! Not to mention, whenever he is the cause of my tears, he doesn't act as though he even gives a fuck.
Other then his actions, what else is making me as depressed as I am? From what I can figure... I'm depressed because I'm fat, and I eat more because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed for most of the time, except when my baby smiles at me, or coos because I'm kissing him, other then that, I'm usually on the verge of crying. I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible wife. I'm tired of only being defind as a mother and a wife. I feel like my son and husband would be better off without me. Oh, and I expressed some of these feelings to my husband earlier, and he tried, for a few moments to comfort me, then he told me "well if you truly feel like that, you need to see a doctor".
Oh yes! Because after the doctors at Pathways (a treatment center for drug addicts, and a mental hospital here) put me on Prozac when I was fourteen, which really fucked me up, because they refused to renew the prescription, and even though your suppose to ween people off the drug, they took me off of it in a snap (it also took away my period, and I bleed two months afterward)... and after the counselor tried convincing me that my Mother didn't love me, and not to mention them being the cause of me starting to self-mutilate... because after all that, I want to see a doctor about it, so they can label me "bi-polar" or whatever else they can come up with, and so they can put me on drugs, so I can feel like a zombie again? No thanks!
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